Thursday, November 6, 2014

a little musing on love

I'm leaving Tucson in a few months to go to Mortician school in the Valley. This weekend is my last performance with SASO, which is super sad. I love my symphony.

So I went to see Bob Dylan in Los Angeles. I'm proud to say it was the best thing I've ever done. I've heard that Bob Dylan is hit or miss because he's so old. But that night he delivered! It was powerful beautiful and wonderful. It was the finest concert I've ever been to, or probably ever go to. Driving all night with my siblings was fun too.

So I need people around me all the time. So they call me a social butterfly, or an extrovert. Which I suppose is true. I meet lots of people and get to know them a little bit, but then I have my close friends that I value a TON. I love them, and I tell them I love 'em. Sometimes they're not convinced though.

If I throw my love around too easily it makes my love less special. hmn. I don't believe that, but some of my heroes do. I guess if I really valued them I'd take their advice and not use the "l" word so easily. And I think I am, I'm changing, my friends are influencing me. It'd be a good thing too, if "love" was a more special word to me. Let's go beyond that, if love were more special to me. Not just the word, but the feeling behind it. I should treat love more respectfully, not diminish its meaning by throwing it around.

Although I think being super liberal with loving is good too. It makes me feel good, makes others feel good. So it's 6-a-one-half-a-dozen-the-other. Not a bad dilemma. haha.

I'm changing though, because the ones I love the most are also the ones who think love is special. I respect that so much. And it's why I love 'em.

This only applies to friendship love, which is all I have right now.

Almond Blossoms by Van Gogh

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Exploded Tire Tai Chi Rap

I haven't written in a long time. I never find the time. Well. My life is super exciting.

Last week I spent an evening with Allex, I love her so much. She invited me to the Blitzen Trapper concert in Phoenix. It was a fantastic concert. But the best part was talking with and hugging Allex. Allex has a Mustang Convertible, after the concert she took down the top and it was a beautiful perfect moment. She and I talk about serious things, we talk about light things, we communicate super well, it's never awkward. That's important.
The next day I couldn't get over how perfect of a night it was. Allex is wonderful.

Then there was a whole bunch of crazy adventure. My Birthday, Ballet Class, my symphony concert, making new friends, more concerts.

Yesterday though. I sleep in. Ai yi yi. So I throw on an outfit and run out the door. I'm driving on the freeway when I feel this bump bump bump bump and then it turns into BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMPBUMPBUMPBUMPBUMP and then my tire explodes. The whole tread ripped right off. I coast to the side and I'm not scared at all, but I'm like super sad I'm going to miss my accounting class. It was like really dangerous too. I was going 80 and if I touched the brakes my car would've jerked to the side and I would've got into a bad accident. That's scary to think about, but I was very cool calm and collected.

A police officer stops to see whats up and I'm like "oh you know, my tire just exploded it's nbd. Want a granola bar?" And he didn't want a granola bar. It was actually pretty lucky that he stopped because I got a fix it ticket for my license plate light and he needed to sign it to prove I got it fixed. But he didn't help me change my tire. I did that all by myself.

The bad news was the spare was so flat it wasn't even funny. I felt pretty stupid having discovered that after I tightened up the lug nuts. I call my Mom and she brings a air tank but the bad part is my spare tire was flat because it had a leak, so the air tank was useless. We leave my car there, and drive to the tire store.

A new tire cost $80.03 but I haggled it down to $80. haha.

Then my Mom drives me back to the freeway where my pitiful little car is and I change the tire again. It's really cool being on the side of a freeway. Also the weather was beautiful. I liked soaking up the situation. It was seriously an adventure.

I make it to Tucson shortly after 10 and I go to City court to give 'em my fix it ticket but the line was forever long. I met a cool guy named Josh and we talked. I'm glad I went just because I like making friends. Even though I'll probably never see him again. I couldn't stay, and I was pretty shook up that I missed my accounting class and almost died. So I went and got Eegee's.

I get to my Business class and do some homework and then class starts and my teammates don't show up and I'm like. "I'm the one with a exploded tire today and I'M here on time what's their problem?" But they get there. I freaked out for no reason.
It started raining, and after class I walk in the rain and get very wet and then drive to violin lesson.

I was ill prepared for violin lessons. Which isn't cool. I'm usually much more prepared. My poor teacher was frustrated, I was frustrated. It has to be that way though. Violin is difficult. I'm playing Mozart and Bach and my teacher wants me to get the sheet music for Bruch. I love the Mozart. Its the violin concerto no.4 which is probably the most difficult piece I've ever tried to play. Mozart has to be perfect. Perfect technique perfect intonation and perfect style. Perfection.

Then it was time for fun. Isaac, Rex and I went to do Tai Chi. Dude aren't we the coolest kids ever? I've never done Tai Chi. It was actually a real workout. Even though we didn't do anything strenuous, just moved real slow like. But it was fun and difficult trying to control my body like that. Some of the moves had funny names like "frightened monkey" and "spirit of water." We listened to new age Chinese music. haha. The teacher said Tai Chi is super healthy, but I don't know what it's supposed to improve.

Then I meet my two favorite people for a rap concert. Elida and Dave H. We saw Brother Ali. Which is positive rap! I was so glad! Like it was happy rap and it wasn't over the top vulgar. There was rapping about social issues and that's just awesome! It was a super good show. I danced. People were having a good time. People were being morally challenged. Rap/hip-hop is great music.  

Dave and Elida and I go get water at Shot in the Dark and we laugh and talk and joked about how I don't watch mainstream movies because I'm vegan. haha!!! I drive 'em back to their cars but on the way we start talking about the heavy stuff and I didn't want to stop this kind of conversation. Like suicide and rape and forgiveness and the effects of abuse. Of course it's not easy to talk about, but man, its all so near and dear to us. You're getting to really know and trust somebody. The rap party is over, this is real human connection, intellectual and emotional and spiritual.

So we go to Losbeto's and get horchata. Elida yawns and it's like 1 o'clock. Man alive it was a great day. I didn't want it to end. I love Dave H so much. I love Elida so much. I love Rex and Isaac and I love my business class and I love my violin teacher and I even love Josh. I love my Mom!

Wood Stove by Andrew Wyeth

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Vivaldi's 4 Seasons Ballet

Last Thursday we went to California. Los Angeles. We went for my nephews baptism. It was super great. It was great to get all the kids together. By kids I mean the grand children I love all those kids so much. It was great to see hang out with my siblings too. We really like hanging out.

Friday we went to the Getty. It was wonderful. I had an emotional breakthrough while looking at a Degas. I love art so much. It was kinda hard to enjoy with 8 kids all going crazy all the time. The poor workers were so nervous. But it went well, the kids were pretty well behaved.

My brother Morris and I went to Amoeba records but got there 10 minutes before it closed. Man. I got one cd. It wasn't Emancipator or Mooncake though, which are the rare cds I wanted to find. Oh well. Next time. It was fun anyway.

The baptism was beautiful. I got to confirm him. That was great. I love confirmations. And we went to a gym that night for all the kids to jump around and play in the foam pit. Super fun. Adults weren't allowed to play. But I did anyway. I only got in trouble once. Haha. I love jumping around. I did flips. I tried to do hand springs but I couldn't. I've never done gymnastics, I should've, its super fun.

We left Saturday night at 8 and got home at 4. Wowzers. That was hilarious. It was so tiring. But I went to church at 9 anyway. I loved church. I was so tired and loopy. All the new kids were there too which was a hoot. I met so many people.

There was a ballet at 2 I needed to go to. In fact the reason I wanted to come home saturday night instead of sunday just so I could go see the ballet. It's hard asking people to ballets. I would've been okay to go by myself, but I asked this new girl at church because she said she liked ballet. We exchanged numbers, but she ended up not coming. But James W. came! and I love him. Georgia came too! Both of 'em said they liked ballet.

It was BEAUTIFUL!!! It was Artifact Dance Project here in Tucson and they were super professional. It was very contemporary. I was completely mesmerized. It was based off Vivaldi's Four Seasons. So it wasn't much longer than an hour. Which is perfect. Long ballets can get boring. Lauren Roth played the solo. She's amazing. After the concert I found her and gave her a hug. Which is totally bad for her professional image but whatever.

Georgia, James and I hung out for a while and of course talked about politics religion and sexism for a few hours. I love talking about that kind of stuff. Although I can't keep up with Georgia and James. Both of them are so much smarter than me. It's good for me to hang out with them though. It stretches my mind.

Then I decided to get a game night put together. Even though I didn't really want to play games. I just wanted to chat. It was the perfect group of people to chat with. David, Annabeth, Lorena, Elida, Danielle, Alejandra, Bert, Lindsey, Noah. I invited the new girl (the one I earlier invited to the ballet) with a text. I got this in response: "Mate your texting the wrong number, so who ever you trying to get a hold of isn't getting them."

Well ain't I a dope! she gave me a fake number. haha. I don't imagine I'll ever talk to her again. Which is sad because we go to the same church. I'm not offended or anything. I wish her well.

Last night I did the ice bucket challenge at Annabeth's house. That was great There was like 10 super cool people there. I hung out with Annabeth mostly. She's great because she plays the cello and is super funny and she's gorgeous. Like Greek goddess status, except prettier. Is it weird to talk about beautiful girls on your blog? Is it ethical to hang out with them because they're pretty? Hmn. I guess I'm not as feminist as I thought I was. oh well. It's funny because Annabeth and I talk about feminism quite a bit haha.

I met Noah Sunday night. And let me tell you. He is my favorite person. He is SO cool. Pretty much wish I were him. I thoroughly facebook stalked him. Annabeth thinks it's ridiculous because I like everybody. And its true. I do like everybody. The ice bucket challenge video is on my facebook.

The Convalescent by Degas

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

inner inn in in please

It's been non stop since Friday afternoon. It's Tuesday Morning. Wowzers.

My friend Chad came into town! It was awesome. He's like my best friend. I met him on 4th ave. He doesn't really know his way around Tucson so that was a minor miracle that I found him there. He brought Blythe. Blythe is so awesome too. I take em both to Bison Witches. So delicious. And we chat and gossip.

Then we go to the egg drop activity. Now this was kinda dumb. Not a lot of people showed up and they gave us all paper cups and straws and we were supposed to make a protective thing to keep the egg safe. We stuffed ours full of grass. So guess what. Ours was the only egg that didn't break, but we were disqualified for using grass. It was like so sad. because the winner got a gift certificate to the Good Egg. I don't know who got it. hmn. Well whatever. Linnea and Jessica joined our little circle and we go to Jessica's for a while to play Bang! Bang! is a funny game. I've played it many times but I never quite understand it. I have to duck out early to go pick up Russell though. I love Russell. We all go to the Foothills mall to watch the Giver.

The Giver was okay. Like I liked it for the same reasons I liked the book, the content is thought provoking and a little shocking. The movie didn't stay very true to the book. It was good enough though. And some of the scenes were super pretty. Have you read the Giver?

Chad and I go to my house and we have bro time. He and I talked about pre-destination, agency, time, crazy things. It's so great to talk about those things. And we talked about Slaughter-House Five. And How it made him depressed, but I wasn't depressed. and How watching the movie the Tree of Life made me depressed and didn't make him depressed. He and I get along so great.

We leave at 8 in the morning Saturday because the onions were stinging our eyes. We drive to Jessica's I was wearing a tie. Jessica and I had to go to a funeral. I was glad to go. I like funerals. It was for Brother Goodman, of course I cried. I didn't really know him too well, but it was a very special and touching service.

Then Blythe (who stayed at Jessica's) Jessica Chad and I go to the Good Egg. haha. It was pretty good. I like Bison Witches better. And pretty much everything on 4th ave is my favorite haha. Then we had a few hours to kill. so it was to Barnes and Noble!!! Yay!! Chad and Jessica absolutely love books. So it was perfect. I bought a Childish Gambino cd. I never listen to rap so it's a new thing for me, but I love it and I can't stop listening to it!

we walk around the mall laughing at everything and I'm especially scatterbrained. We ran into Alma Lopez at the mall so that was super cool. We had to give the news that Brother Goodman died so that was super sad. But I love Alma so it was great to see her.
We go to Saks 5th Avenue. They have this wonderful clearance sale. Chad and I now look like super hipsters now.

 We meet a whole bunch of people at the El Con Mall to Watch Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm super tired. I slept for a little bit of it. It was a funny movie. It was just really wacky. So I liked it well enough. It was pretty entertaining. Isaac, Zack, David W, David I, Alex, Ryan and Kelsy come join us. I invited lot's of people. Only boys came though haha.

Then it was time for ultimate frisbee but we're starving so we get in and out burger. Which took two seconds, Blythe never had in and out. so it was special. We drive forever to get to Ultimate Frisbee. Blythe is like a beast at it. And that finished out Saturday. I get home so late.

At 6 in the morning Sunday my parents wake me up because they wanted me to look at a rainbow. haha. I love my parents.

Sunday was another crazy adventure all day. Mostly churchy stuff. I played the musical number in 5th ward it went well. Jessica and I ate lunch. I did some home teaching. Watched 17 miracles with some people. Play games. Hang out with Sonora in the evening. Then go home. haha. Saturday was the best because I hung out with Chad the whole day.

Monday I worked and then made salsa and then went to Loren's because he made dinner for a few people. Teresa and Israel were there too. Loren made delicious Pho. It was amazing. Then I go pick up Russell to go to Family home Evening. It was a water balloon fight. Super fun. I talked to Annabeth there. Annabeth is amazing. I love her. She is so funny and friendly but she always manages to talk sense into me. Which is good for me. And James W is there. James is literally like a god. I'm unworthy to kiss his feet. Not that I would, but you know. He's like such a cool guy.

Then I pick up Genevieve to go to a concert at Club Congress. Russell found his own way home. The ATM at Club Congress didn't work and the concert sounded amazing. So Genevieve and I ran to Wells Fargo like 4 blocks away. I ran the whole way. I should probably run like for real. I like the feeling of running. I don't have an athletic bone in my body though. I get money and its 9:20. we go back to Club Congress and the show's over! Like what?! I'm glad the ATM didn't work at Club Congress because we would've paid for like 1 or 2 songs. Ai yi yi.

So we go do Karaoke at Shooters' because it was Odassis' last night in Tucson. So that's a thing. It was funny having so many Mormons in a bar. Kieth was there. Kieth is awesome. Like he's another man I idolize. He's so cool.

And Life is pretty good. Now I'm so tired, but I have work in a few minutes. All these adventures are wearing me out!! I have plans for tonight too!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014


So I was in Southern Mexico for a while. I was "unplugged" as they say. Since getting back yesterday I have not done anything except look at facebook. haha.

The Southern Arizona Symphony Orchestra took a trip to Oaxaca to participate in the Oaxaca opera festival. I'm way lucky I was able to participate. There was a ton of music and that was crazy. There were lot's of singers and that was fun. I'm not sure why Lerner (our conductor) wanted to do this, but these singers don't get opportunities to sing with an orchestra. There's a lack of orchestras in Mexico. So Lerner took us to Mexico!

Airports are fun. Corporate control at its finest! haha. Georgia and I carpooled and we talked all about feminism on the way up. That was so great. I like talking about it. She majored in Women's Studies at the University of Arizona so she had a lot more to say about it than I even knew about. It really opened up my eyes. Also Georgia is so fun, we got along wonderfully.

The language barrier was a thing. Thankfully Hiedi spoke Spanish fluently, Georgia and I relied on her a lot. haha. Practice was 4 hours everyday. 6 hours on Saturday. And a performance Saturday night. We played a lot of Verdi and Puccini. Beautiful music. Some pieces I just wanted to cry they were so beautiful.

I visited a lot of Catholic Churches. They were so beautiful, I wanted to take pictures, but they were holy places and that's a little disrespectful. People were praying in them. I don't think that'd be appropriate. Hiedi and I went to the Mormon Temple too. That was great. I love the Temple so much.

I bought 2 shirts and a Dia de los Muertos style skull. Ate at restaurants every meal. Food is pretty cheap down there. I loved the trip so much!

I visited Monte Alban Ruins. That was amazing. These things were so old and so solid and so impressive. People built things to last back then.

I wasn't just a tourist. We worked with opera singers from Mexico and it was great. I became friends with a few of them. Mexicans are so friendly and so fun. I had a great time. I'm definitely going next year and taking friends!

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Shattered Glass in the Road

It rained yesterday so my boss gave me the whole day off. Which is nice. Just to sit around and relax. Just joking. I had an adventure because that's what I do. If you never slow down you never grow old.

My Dad fixed the TV. Man alive. I worked so hard at it but eventually gave up. Then Dad comes along and fixes it because he's the real man of the house.

My family goes to the Temple but I stayed behind because there's 2 baptisms I wanted to see. I wish I could've gone but your friends baptisms don't happen everyday. Actually one of the baptisms I didn't even know the girl. I cried anyway because the Holy Ghost is so strong at baptisms. Truly, it's beautiful. I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

So after the baptism (the baptism was at noon), I went to Bookmans to get a new chord for the Super Nintendo. I ran into Zach there. I love Zach, he's so cool. We chatted for a while. He likes scary music, and he has a funny attitude. I invited him to other things but he wanted to stay home. We had a fun time at Bookmans though.

Then I hang out with Russell. I love Russell, he's so good in every way. He's very kind and very calm. We chatted about life. I could've talked to him forever. He and I went to the baptism at 4. It was raining cats and dogs at this point so it was kinda scary. He lives right by the church so that's nice.

I ended up playing the piano for that baptism. It felt good to help out. Kirsten the girl that got baptized is awesome. I'm so happy for her. Of course I cried. haha.

Then I go visit Carol. Just to check up on her. She lives alone and has Parkinson's and that makes me nervous. She's my old violin teacher. She's such a sweet lady. I need to check up on her more often. She's crazy though, she's not in very good health but that doesn't stop her. She's always out doing stuff. Carol's one of my heroes. Like really, I love her.

At about 5:30 I go hang out with Gabe. Gabe is a really nice guy. He's happy and friendly. I changed out of my tie at his house. And played video games. I don't have enough of an attention span though. So we played this crazy seizure inducing game called geometry wars or something like that on the xbox. And we played Super Smash Brothers! Also a seizure inducing game but so fun. I was plenty tired but this point.

But then it was time for a concert! I love concerts! Steff and the Articles. Super cute amazing local band. Like they could be really popular. The lead singer was this tiny little girl. (she was about my age but she was a tiny lady) She had a beautiful voice and played piano. And there was a violin in the band too. Which makes it amazing.

I picked up Genevieve for the concert. Genevieve is so great. We get along wonderfully. Ans she's very pretty. Kacy met us after the concert, just to hang out. But I was really tired by that point so I ducked out. Got home just before 11. Fell right to sleep.

6 am Mom wakes my brother and I up and tell us to come clean up the road. There was a shattered mirror on the road right in front of our house. It was a pretty big mirror too. It was cool to clean up the road while the sun was just coming up. Well, it had been up for a while, but I never see it in the east because I sleep a lot. So I guess somebody lost a mirror and didn't bother to clean it up last night.

My Brother, Mother and Father cleaning up the road.

My Brother and I

Saturday, August 2, 2014


I got a haircut. It looks so fresh! I went out with Jessica and Genevieve and Russell the other day. Russell is so cool. He's like a saint. Everything he says and does is perfect. haha. And it was so good to see Jessica again. She's like my best friend. And Genevieve is great as always. Super fun. She and I have so much fun! Oy I love life.
Then I had Opera practice. 3 hours dude. I met the girl I'm going to carpool with to the airport and her name is Georgia and she's super cool. Then I went to Elida's movie party. Fun times. Elida said I was popular and everybody likes me. haha. I wish.
That was Thursday.

On Friday There was East Coast swing dance at the institute. That was a ton of fun. but I'm not a good dancer. I go to lots of these dancing things, but I just don't have the magic. oh well. It's fun getting to know so many girls though. And I returned James' shoes.

I was invited by two people to First Friday Night Shorts at The Loft. Let me tell you it was the strangest experience of my life. I loved it. The idea is it's a film festival and local people make shorts and if you don't like it then you yell "GONG" and if enough people yell "gong" the host bangs the gong and they stop the short. ALL the shorts were total nonsense. For reals. It was so funny. For one of 'em the sound didn't work so some guy in the audience just started narrating it and he was so funny they gave him the microphone. Turns out the host was Max Cannon. I didn't say hi to him, but he was so cool. Max Cannon is the creator of Red Meat the comic strip. Look it up. I totally want to go to all the First Friday Shorts now.
My new friend Georgia came! I sat next to her and Greer. Georgia is awesome. Elida was there too I didn't talk to her much though. Which is sad. I love Elida.

Afterward, Like at midnight. David S, Genevieve, Alejandra and I went to Cheba Hut. It stays open late so that's a thing. It's okay. David is super cool I really like him. We talked about the controversial Mormon stuff. So we got along wonderfully.

Alejandra is really cool too. It was the first time I met her. She's one of Genevieve's old friends. I need to get to know her better because she's so fun.
I don't have to work today, which is nice. I could use some rest. Just kidding! If you never slow down you never grow old! I have lots of fun and churchy stuff to do today! Yay!

From Petite Mort by Jiri Kylian

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

So. I love life. I really do. I love how I can't make sense of all the different attitudes. You would think that there'd be one prevailing attitude that is perfect and everybody adheres to. But life isn't that way.

This morning I finished reading Slaughterhouse-Five. It was a good book, there wasn't much of a climax, or any dynamic characters, many times I found myself wondering what it was that kept me reading it. It had a fatalist attitude. That everything is pre-determined. And it was pretty convincing. It was about a guy named Billy and he was in World War 2 and it described the horrors of war in a very matter-of-fact way. The war had to happen there wasn't anyway to stop it. Or stop what you did.

It has the idea that we are not in control of ourselves. Sometimes I think that way.

Another big point of the book is that you re-live everything over and over. The books is told in flashbacks. And everything we experience is stuck in our brains forever, and there is no concept of time in our brains. So its like we're experiencing war at all times. This is convincing too, because everything we go through is a permanent part of us. My brain is shaped by ALL the little things I've done. Its all in there.

In a way, we're just actors following a predetermined path. Wow. It does make sense you know.

This morning after I finished the book my Mom and I had a little chat about agency and choices. And temptations. Just because you are tempted doesn't mean you're a sinner. Or you're a bad person. You have a weakness and acknowledging the weakness is beneficial because you know what you need to work on. And our lives are not predetermined, we have choices we have control over our lives. Which makes sense because I don't feel like I'm being controlled by fate. I feel like I am in control of what I do.

Slaughterhouse-Five is kinda depressing. Fatalism is a little depressing, but if you look at it with the right attitude, it's kinda liberating in a way. hmn.

Last night I stayed in with my brother, we watched Seinfeld and played Super Nintendo. Oh it was fun. We laughed a lot. And the Super Nintendo is so crazy. I love it.

In a freak accident this morning the video cable that runs from the Super Nintendo broke and left a piece in the television. So we can't plug the Super Nintendo or the DVD player into the tv. Now all we can do is watch Wheel of Fortune. Which is kinda sad, but you know, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I spent the last hour and a half trying to get the little metal thing out of the tv. It's a lost cause. I chipped my tooth trying to push a needle into the metal bit. It's really not that bad, just a little battle scar. Dude. The chipped tooth is a bit of a wake up call. Its like a miniature mid-life crisis. I'm not a young healthy boy anymore. My body isn't like it used to be.
I guess chipping my teeth was meant to be. Or it was my poor choice to use my teeth to fix a tv. haha.

Margot Fonteyn

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

tiny pearls

I NEED to practice my scales. Like, it's a thing. I know I need to, but it's really boring. Man alive. Like I have to be excited all the time. Part of being a violinist is practicing scales. I need to just do it. ah... Probably the biggest sacrifice to serve a mission was the violin. I was a much more serious violinist before the mission. Hmn. I'm gonna work on that.

I went to institute choir last night. That was interesting. Sight-singing helps musicians a lot. I can sing in tune, but I don't have the greatest tone of voice. I liked practice. I guess I'm a part of the choir now and we have a performance on Sunday. I'm really not prepared. haha. Greer was there too. After choir she wanted me to walk with her to get some food. I wanted to, but I had to go to practice.

I practiced for a church musical number with Alex and Luca last night. And it went a lot better than the past 2 weeks but not nearly where I want it to be. I have crazy high notes in that piece and those are hard to play. I like Luca and Alex a lot. They're so cool and nice. It's also really hard to take it seriously because my opera festival is a week from Saturday and I'm focused on that. Also Mozart Concerto in A. I love practicing that piece for some reason. I love Mozart.

Then I went to the gas station. Then I went to a grocery store to buy frozen pizza. I took it to Misha. Yeah, we shared some pizza. I seriously love Misha. We always talk about great stuff. Last night it was philosophies that compete. He used the example of the religious person and the scientific person. I don't know what I thought about it all. I feel like there's room for both philosophies in this world. I'm a super religious person, but I love my scientific friends. I don't think we compete. I don't think our differing philosophies get in the way of our friendship.

Maybe I'm just a non-confrontational person. Which is probably the truth. I pretend everything's alright. haha.

Misha was feeling adventurous. Which I was glad. Usually we just talk about big stuff. This time we went to the pool at midnight. It was so relaxing. We didn't talk about anything. We just chilled. The pool was pretty warm so that was nice. That was something very different. I like different. I've never gone swimming with Misha. It was a completely new experience, I didn't know how to handle it. Or what to think of it.

Bob Dylan

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

my bias against psychotherapy.

So. The DMV is the most boring thing in the world. You sit there for 5 hours for something that only takes a few minutes. And when your number finally gets called the lady who helps you is a meanie. DMV people must hate their job. They're gonna send me my license in the mail. I wish they would've just printed it there. All bars nationwide have this new rule that your i.d. can't say "Under 21" So that's a thing. I'm going to need my new driver's license before Saturday though. Club Congress is having a free Steff & the Articles show. Can't wait. While I was there, I texted everybody in my phone haha.

After the DMV, I bought 4 pounds of peanut M&Ms. yum.

Then it was time to hang out with Greer. Greer is in school to become an art therapist so I took her to Solar Culture. That's a cool art gallery. It's a community art gallery, anybody can hang anything on the walls. There was some cool pieces. I like Solar Culture. They used to have a lot of shows there, but not so much anymore.

Then Greer and I went to Shot in the Dark Cafe. We talked about psychotherapy. I know people need it, but I have these biases. I should get over them because biases are bad. (biases are bad... that sounds funny) I think Psychotherapists use weak minded people to confirm their own theories about how the brain works. I think they use convincing arguments to make people believe they fit into the psychotherapists' labels. I don't believe this is cool. And psychotherapists are very smart, so they believe they have the solution to fix a mind problem. I find this dehumanizing. EVERYBODY is different, everybody thinks different, everybody has a different set of circumstances. You can't fully know a person. Not even the psychotherapists with their extensive knowledge of mind problems can.

Greer agreed on some points, but some people still need therapists (although she prefers the term "mentor"). I know some people need them. But I still can't get over my biases. Maybe my mind is a little more open now that Greer gave me a different opinion.

Then it was time to pick up the music. This is a nerve-wracking thing. You see I'm on this orchestra called the Southern Arizona Symphony Orchestra. And Our next gig is the Oaxaca Opera Festival. So I'm an international violinist now. I leave for the festival August 5th. And the performances are the 9th and 10th. In Oaxaca, Mexico. This is the biggest gig I've ever had. So that's a thing. I just got the music from my Orchestra president. We met at the Eegee's on St Mary's. 30 difficult pieces from all the classic operas. ai yi yi. I'm like super excited to be on an orchestra for a whole opera festival, but its a lot of work too.

Then I drive Greer to Family Home Evening. Then I go to a different Family Home Evening. It was okay to split up, even if it was a date. She had to go hang out with Bert later anyway. Oh Bert...
I was supposed to meet David there, but David didn't come, so that was a thing. Annabeth was there though! I love Annabeth. She's a cellist and she's funny and she's beautiful. I like, totally like her. I don't think she likes me though. It'd be nice to go on some dates with her. I talked with her for a while. Talked about music of course.

There was a bum at the institute. Well, he wasn't exactly a bum. He was the kind of guy that had mental problems that prevented him from functioning normally in society. He wandered around town with a backpack and talked to pretty young girls. He started asking people for a ride. I gave him a ride way out east. Not that I do it often, but I like giving bums rides. He was a nice guy really. It was nice that he trusted me to give him a ride. It was a little awkward at times because he'd start sentences he didn't finish and finished sentences he never started. And he was very forgetful. His name is Dean. He asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said no. He said I needed a girlfriend. He had a girlfriend. haha.

I tried to hang out with other people but I ended up going home and watched half of Autumn Sonata, one of my favorite movies. Directed by Ingmar Bergman. I wasn't emotionally prepared for it. It's a very difficult movie to watch. And I fell asleep halfway through.

The Two Fridas by Frida Kahlo

Monday, July 28, 2014

Fiddlin' fool

Life's been lots of fun like usual. Nothing too dramatic has happened lately though. Just lots of fun.

I went on a double date with Genevieve and Kacy and my brother. We went to El Charro Cafe and hiked Tumamoc. Super fun.

I played fiddle for the Pioneer day Celebration in my home ward. That was fun. I'm a pretty good fiddler.

Had a heart to heart with Misha. I love Misha so much. I need more heart to hearts with more people. It's like my favorite thing, but it's something you can't force. It just happens.

There was an institute activity last night and it was too early to call it a night afterward so I got a few people together to crash the "Villa." Luca and Isaac live there. Lot's of cool people all in one place. We were supposed to play games but we just chatted for a while. I like chatting the most. I can't believe I actually organized a party like that. I guess I'm popular!
James left his shoes on the street. I picked em up and now they're in my car. haha.

It's my day off now. I don't have a job on the days it rains. But I got some sewing done. and some laundry. I gotta go to the DMV. There's this stupid new law that driver's licenses can't be vertical. So that's a thing. You'd think I'd take a nap but I don't want to! haha!

Doll at Cannery photo by Imogen Cunningham

Friday, July 25, 2014

one fifteen farenheit

Big day yesterday. Wonderful stuff. First off, I went to the Gilbert Temple. I met Chad there!! I love Chad. He's my best friend. It was really cool to go to the temple with a friend. The Temple is a really quiet place, its nice. Your thoughts are just so peaceful because the environment is so sacred. The Temple is great. I wore my white shirt and tie for most of  the day.

After the Temple Chad and I wanted food. So we're driving around looking for something. We found a Barnes & Noble. haha. It wasn't food. Barnes & Noble is a wonderful place though. Chad and I both like foreign films and cool stuff like that. We looked at the Criterion Collection quite a bit. I ended up buying Chad some birthday presents. Bicycle Thieves. I've never seen it, I told Chad I'd have to borrow it. I hear its amazing. I bought 2001: A Space Odyssey for myself. I haven't seen it in a long long time. It was my favorite movie when I was in 5th grade.

We ended up getting Subway. I got the veggie sandwich. Chad and I exchanged gossipy stories. Of course. Chad and I are super good friends. Like best friends. And we talked about art movies. Wonderful stuff. I met Chad at Eastern Arizona College. We wrote each other letters on the mission. And we went on our missions about the same time. Chad is so smart.

Then Chad and I went to his family's house. That was cool. That whole family is like the perfect stereotypical Mormon family. It's really funny. And we got frozen yogurt with 2 of his cousins. This frozen yogurt place had a chalk board anybody could use. I wrote "Humanitarian aid is never a crime" on it.

I went to pick up my brother Luke at the airport in Gilbert. I LOVE Luke!! We are best friends and we're brothers. He just finished a semester at BYUI (BYUI has funky semesters, like there's 3 a year instead of 2 like every other college) He's super smart. He got good grades in all the crazy classes like computer science and physics. Crazy. But I love Luke. He's into Eastern Philosophy now. Which is super cool. I'm like hyper Western. Luke and I are very different in many ways.
We waited forever for his bags. Some people were getting mad because the bags were taking forever. Luke and I talked. Before Luke's plane got there, I changed into shorts in the airport bathroom. haha.

Then I take Luke to have dinner with Allex. I love Allex. I met her at Eastern Arizona College and she's awesome. Like really really really a cool girl. I used to have the hugest crush on her. Now we're really good friends. We talk about our lives. We talk about politics. We talk about music. I love her. She loves me. The only problem is she lives in Tempe and I can't make it up there all the time. But it was a good time yesterday. She took Luke and I to Cornish Pasties I've never had that kind of food. They gave me mine for free because they messed up my order. I told 'em they didn't have to do that and offered to pay but they said no. Woo hoo! Good Karma to me! haha.

We start driving home about 10 so we get home shortly before midnight. We stopped at a gas station in Marana so I could use the bathroom. For some reason, I really like gas stations late at night.
Such a good day yesterday. I got to hang out with 3 of my favorite people. I'm so lucky.

Tree of Life By Klimt

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Fox down down

I went to the institute to do some family history. There's this thing on that shows you if you have pioneer ancestors. It's kinda neat. Having pioneer ancestors doesn't make you a better person though. Yes, I have a lot. And I'm really grateful for their work. But I'm really not a great person because I was lucky enough to be born as their great great great grandson. I like family history.

My sister brought it to my attention that I should be practicing violin. But I'm irresponsible and go to local band concerts! YAY!!! Sun Bones. My favorite local band.

Curtis met me at the institute to go to Sun Bones. He's a loud guy. And I end up getting loud when I'm around him too. Which was bad because others were trying to do family history and I was distracting. I'm sorry! I'll try to be more cool calm and collected! For reals though I have too much energy all the time. Except sometimes I'm super tired.
I love Curtis. He's a really cool guy. All he ever talks about is music. Which is wonderful. I love music. The funny thing is though he can't hang for too long. There were 2 other bands after Sun Bones but he only wanted to stay for Sun Bones. It was sad because 4 of my other friends met us there. So I drove Curtis back to the institute where he parked and went back to Club Congress to discover all of my friends were gone. haha.

I invited everybody I knew. Sun Bones is legit. Nick and Megan came. I actually met them at a concert and became their friend, they seem cool, but I've only seen 'em at concerts. I'm sure they're great people. I should hang out with them apart from concerts to talk with them. Its hard to get to know people at concerts because concerts are super loud. Elida and Clark came too. Clark's a good man. Like, a responsible adult. I love responsible adults. I like Clark. I need to hang out with him more though. More people should've come. I mean. Its a free concert. And it's Sun Bones. Why wouldn't you go?! But most people aren't concert people I guess. But it was a lot of fun to hang out with the ones that did come.

My brother Luke comes back today and I hope I can spend every night with him. Luke is my best friend. He doesn't like going out though. Which is kinda sad. All I like in life is going out. I'm sure you could tell from reading this blog haha. Going downtown at night always feels like an adventure! Tucson is such a great city.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


Another monumental night. People yelling. People getting hurt. People trying hard to understand. People getting scared. Misunderstandings.

I'm not going to explain, because some things do not belong on the internet.

I really like people. I don't know why. I just have this unexplained charity for lots of people. Today, this homeless girl asked for change outside of walgreens. I gave her 3 bucks. I didn't even think twice about it. Maybe I should've sat and listened to her story. It can't be easy to be in that position. But I sat and listened to other people's stories tonight. I wish I didn't have to divide my attention between the people I love.

I've been a little moody. I'm sorry to those I've hurt these past few days. Really, I'm a good person. I'm not a monster.

Practice was good. Not ready for the performance yet. But it was better than last week. I wonder how many hours I've spent practicing in my whole life. You don't realize how much practice goes into each performance. A TON of work goes into the music you hear.

I need to practice more. I've been out of tune lately.

Monday, July 21, 2014


I heard the desperation in his voice when he said "There's nothing there" He was talking about compassion for fellow men. There was NOTHING.
Those emotions are real and raw. You can't fake those kinds of tears.

Yesterday was one of the greatest days in my life. Not that anything really special happened. But it just felt life-changing. Church was fantastic. I really love church, the Spirit was so strong and I love all those people there. Talks were great. I skipped out 2nd hour to go to 5th ward because I wanted to say hi to Aaron. It was Aaron's first time at church and I wanted to see how he liked it. And Aaron is awesome. I ended up not talking to him though, because I ended up talking to a ton of other people. I have so many friends. 5th ward has food after church (they call it "linger longers") and 5 different people were like "get some food and come sit with us Paul!" haha. So many good friends. But I ended up sitting next to the new guy, Ryan S. I like meeting the new people.

I went back to 3rd ward to catch the last hour of church and that was nice. Sonora had mentioned she wanted to go to the mission after church and I was down for that. So like at 4-ish I ask her and she says she can't go because her family's feeding the missionaries. Which she invites me to. People really want me to eat with them. haha.

I had a little time to kill and so I text Laura because I haven't seen her in a while. She and I used to be real good friends. She said I could come over, she even asked if everything was okay. Turns out she was too far away though. Some other time! So then I go spend time with Jessica. Jessica is like my bff. She and I trust each other so much and we laugh together a lot. Her Mom was in town and I lover her Mom too. Jessica and I melodramatically tell each other crazy life stories.

Then it was time to eat with Sonora's family and missionaries. I ended up driving the missionaries. Which is cool. It's nice to talk to missionaries. I miss my mission! Sonora's family is great. We talked a lot about animals. Animals are scary. Like. Octopus are going to take over the world. Like they're the scariest things in the world. I hate octopus. Sonora likes 'em though. The missionaries shared a great message and asked us each about how the gospel brought us joy. It was great.

I go back to Jessica's. There was a few people there to watch the movie Tangled. It was the first time I watched it. It was pretty good. I usually don't like those kinds of movies. Phil was there. Phil is so cool. And everybody likes him. I thought he'd been around for a few years because he seemed so popular. But talking with him, I learned that he's only been here a year, and he doesn't know everyone. Hmn. Well. I'm lucky to know him.

David H was there, Carl was there, Danielle lives there. Fun times. All those people are so nice. Especially Danielle. I don't think I know anybody nicer.
I invited Elida. Elida is the greatest woman in the world. No joke. She and I talked for like an hour in the parking lot. She's my hero in so many different ways. I'm really lucky to know her and have a trusting friendship with her. I shared some things I never share and she was so supportive. I don't even like talking about myself, but it was so cathartic. I felt wonderful. I need to hang out with Elida more. Both of us are optimistic and fun people.
Primavera by Botticelli

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Jump neck. Diana.

Just the concert I needed. El Ten Eleven. It was beyond amazing. I don't think I could identify the genre. It was like poppy post rock loop music with enormous power and energy. I bought 2 cds. They're better live. Usually when I buy cds I get the performers to sign it but this time I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. I just didn't. If El Ten Eleven comes again I'll see 'em for sure. It was one of the best concerts I've been to lately. Really high energy and skill. For 2 songs the guitarist used a fret-less bass, he instantly got my approval just because of that. Anyone can play bass with frets. Haha. I'm kinda a snob because I play violin. The concert ended at about 10. It was a little early.
Club Congress is probably my favorite music venue/club. The underwear party wasn't anything. The concert area is separate from the rest of the club. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a few nearly naked people. Honestly though, its downtown Tucson, that kind of stuff is not shocking in the least. People are crazy and awesome there.

In the afternoon, I picked up Genevieve and Aaron. Aaron is awesome. He's this guy the missionaries invited to volleyball one night and he went and since then he's come to every Mormon thing and some parties. He's a really cool guy. He doesn't talk or laugh much, so its hard to tell if he's having a good time or not. I'm sure he is though. I have a good time talking to him. He's always a good sport when we play stupid games.

Misha and Sonora met us at Club Congress. I hadn't seen Sonora in forever. Which is a total shame because I hung out with her every day for a while there. She's really awesome. I love her politics and attitude and fashion sense. She and I really communicate well, I've trusted her with things I rarely trust people with. Its nice to have that kind of a friendship.

After the show we met with Kacy. Kacy is the most adorable person in the world. She's the sweetest sweetheart and the darling-est cutie-patoot. I need to hang out with her more. She said "AWWW!" and "That's so sweet!" After everything anybody said. haha. Totally adorable. Someday, she'll cut my hair.

All I wanted was water, Genevieve wanted Pizza so we walked to Brooklyn's Pizza on 4th Ave. Its always a fun walk because you see lots of street musicians and artists and drunk girls wearing high heels. Genevieve and Aaron got pizza while Sonora and I walked a little further to get horchata. I got water. haha. We sat and caught up a little. We met back up with Genevieve and them and we decided to climb a parking garage. I got more water.

Walking towards the parking garage, I saw a guy digging through a trash can looking for food. I felt so bad. Everybody totally saw him, and there's tons of people walking all over 4th Ave. I asked him if I could buy him a slice of pizza and he said yes. He sat down until I got the pizza. I waited in line for a while. Kacy said I was such a good Samaritan.
I didn't know if he was really homeless, I don't know if he was really that hungry. He didn't ask me for anything. But I saw a guy looking for food in a trash can and that was enough for me. I bought him a slice of pizza. Then continued on my merry way. Good Karma on me.

We rode the elevator and jumped around in it till we got to the top of the garage. and just looked over the city. When we looked down we all got massive vertigo. It was so scary! The fun kind of scary. I want to find a different garage to climb. It was fun, but I want to find a taller one. I was so tired. The concert was tiring, work was tiring, I didn't get enough sleep the night before. Golly. I was a tired boy. But its fun when you're tired. We all go back to my car which is by the train tracks. We all sat down by the train tracks for a while and just chatted.

We all are in different places in our lives. Each of us are going in different directions, we all have unique and different childhoods and living situations. But we all spent a wonderful evening downtown together.

Diana by Renoir

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Introducing myself.

I have these beautiful shorts that we spray painted at the institute last night. I was the first one to do it, because I wanted to make sure I had enough paint. Orange and pink and yellow and a touch of light blue. I feel so cool. I'm wearing 'em right now. It was a good activity last night. Painting t-shirts and dancing. I danced way too hard. My back and neck are sore haha.

Before I left for the dance, I practiced dancing with my Mom for like 5 minutes.

I met this guy named Christopher and we went to Nico's Taco Shop. He's super cool. Like he's an interesting guy and very fun to listen to. I met him while dancing. Which is always a funny way to meet people. Jessica came to Nico's too. So did David and Issac. Nico's is a really great place to get Mexican food at midnight.

But yeah saw all my friends and it was great. I'm so lucky to have so many great friends.

So that blind date that was supposed to happen tonight. Well it's not happening. Club Congress is having their annual underwear party at the same time as this concert. Amanda didn't feel comfortable with that. I don't know how I feel about going to an underwear party either. It's gonna be totally hilarious. I'm gonna keep my spray-painted shorts on though.

So maybe I should introduce myself a little bit. I've had this blog for a week or so but haven't done any introduction...
I'm Paul Bird.
I'm Mormon, got home from my mission about 4 months ago
I'm on the Southern Arizona Symphony Orchestra. 2nd Violin.
I love Tucson so much.
I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is. But I like talking about my adventures, and I like talking about opera and ballet, and I like to write gibberish down a lot.

Music. Björk has been my favorite for most of my life. But I like a few different kinds of music. And I go through phases. I like twelve-tone music a lot.
Movies. Raise the Red Lantern. Persona. Amelie. Andrei Rublev. Chungking Express. (All are foreign films)
Books. Catcher in the Rye by J D Salinger is my favorite. I also like Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, and To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
Way to Relax. I like sitting on swings. I like taking walks. I like naps. I like playing Super Nintendo.
Way to have fun. Concerts. Concerts. Concerts. Almost any kind. And I've been to a few different kinds.
Artists. Renoir, Dali, Andrew Wyeth

Career. I want to be a Mortician.
Ensemble pieces to play. I want to play Rite of Spring by Stravinsky someday. Philip Glass String quartet no 5. Any Mozart opera.
Solo Pieces to play. Chaconne from the D minor Partita by Bach. The Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams. Fratres by Arvo Part.
I want to get married and have children
I want to do a lot of Family History.
I want inner peace. Which right now I have.
Snow Flurries by Andrew Wyeth

Friday, July 18, 2014

Journal 14-June-2012

Navigation. The mutant kept in the bottom. Blond girls. Chewing on licorice and drinking gallons of whiskey. I watch them all on the television. I'm sitting on my couch. It's raggedy and uncomfortable. Colored gray & red. My lover says it's ugly. But I keep it around. You never know when the tornado will come. The storms. The bolted down artistic farm tools- they won't leave. They're mine. You cannot steal them. Along the really tall wall. The overgrowth is coming again. The weeds the thistles the allergies. I haven't gotten around to cleaning up in a couple of years. I just sat on my couch. If there is something praiseworthy, it will appear to me on the tv. I wait until that happens. 'Cuz the day will come. When I have- when I gain the motivation to be strong and wise. I'll continue my journey. I'll divide the surreal into two parts. Unequal - uncategorized. I'll walk amoungst the fountains the ancient statues the fabulous paintings the garbage of 1000s of years. I'll collect the broken dolls. I just sat on my couch. It's a fantastic plan. But my imagination has already been illustrated by the commercials. Price tags on my mind. It's junk. But my lover still wants to buy it. My naked benefactor wants to buy it. Will they ever meet? Have they already?

The naked man whispers into my ear. "Peas and never youngsters in the Mammon school. The infants on the shocking metal floor. Crying. It was you, your infancy." He shows me pictures of me as a baby. He was in one of them with me. He's about 10 years older than me. This naked man must be very wise. My chest begins to hurt. I guess he's showing me something I don't want to see. Professing something I don't want to admit.

I run again. The sun & wind caressing my body. Warmth fills every fiber & sinew. I know not where I run to. There are small bushes and dirt in all directions as far as you can see. I run and run. It is carnal primitive and liberating. I run into a dry river. The sand slows me down. I find my lover standing just off to the side. She digs in her purse for a while. She acknowledged my presence with a smile. And a camera. She takes a picture of me in the sand. I cover my face. She puts her camera back into her purse and joins me and embraces me.


Yesterday was my day off. My Mom and I drove to the Valley of the Sun. We went to the Gilbert Temple. The Temple was beautiful and wonderful in every way. I love going. Afterward we visited my sister-in-law. For lunch. She's AMAZING at cooking. Like we were unworthy of such delicious food. Lot's of driving. I like long drives. Which is good because I finally got my car when we got back yesterday. It was in the shop for 10 days. I was especially happy to get it back because my David Bowie cd was in it. Busy day.

Last night I went to institute. I wanted to see all my friends. I like seeing my friends. I wasn't too fond of the class though. Some people said some hurtful things. Political things, mostly, but some self-righteous things too. I don't think they realized they were being hurtful, but it was enough to put me in a bad mood. I might've reacted in immature ways. In fact I'm sure I did. I didn't make a scene or anything, but I made things awkward for some of my friends because I was being super moody and sour.
I'll probably give it another chance next week though.

Then I go to Ellie's movie night. We watched Kumare. A documentary about this guy who pretends to be a guru and gets a following but its all a big lie. They do some rituals where they "feel the blue light." In reality though, there is no "blue light."
In the end the guru, Kumare, decides he feels more connected with people as a guru than he ever did before. Even though his religion and teachings are a sham, he felt real love. Wowzers.
It made me think about how much of religion is just empty, meaningless rituals and hysteria. And how much people want to believe in something (in this case the power of self and the "blue light").  I think about hysteria a lot. All these people are doing these rituals and you don't want to look like you're not feeling it, so you do them. You pretend to be a follower. The people in the documentary seemed like they really and truly believed in Kumare though. Even though in the end he told the truth to his followers that it was all a big joke, the religion and friendships was a huge positive influence on them. I recommend this documentary. I don't watch too many. But it was super fun to watch. Another fun fact is it was in Phoenix, with some parts in Tucson.
Ellie always has the best movies. Hanging out was fun too.

Misha said he'd provide me dinner sometime. I decided to give him no notice and at 11pm I'm like, "Misha! feed me!" Well he whipped up this wonderful meal. It was made from leftovers in this fridge and he just made it up as he went along. But it was wonderful and delicious. I ate well yesterday. I love Misha, he's like a brother to me. He showed me some cool music. And I told him about the El Ten Eleven concert on Saturday. Turns out he loves El Ten Eleven, but had no idea about the concert. He told me I could find a better job. haha. I get that a lot.

Ellie made me a Foster the People mix cd. It is glorious! I've never listened to them. Besides that famous song on the radio. But it's super good! I love music. I love listening to new music! I love listening to my old favorites!

Thursday, July 17, 2014


Luca emails me this music that we're gonna perform in church. Usually these things are super easy. So I don't print it out until the morning of the first practice. But golly was I wrong. It's really difficult! I'm excited for the challenge. It's much prettier than the usual cutesy hymn arrangement. It's Rob Gardner's "Savior, Redeemer of my Soul" Well now I have something to practice and a reason to practice so that's good news. Alex B is playing piano. Which is awesome. I grew up with him. Luca is singing. He's got an amazing voice. It's going to be a great piece.

After practice was over I tried going to the institute for the family history class. Well. I went but the class was just over so I didn't do any family history. Oh well. I hung out with Isaac and Rachel (they're together!) They are super cool. I taught Isaac a little violin. Which was fun. I like Isaac especially because he likes the movie "Forbidden Games" It's a French black and white film. It's a great movie. Rachel hadn't seen it. It doesn't sound like she wants to. But Rachel is so cool. I put on Isaac's hat and said "look at me I'm Isaac!" And Rachel started holding my hand. haha. I end up hanging out with them a lot. And I don't have either of their numbers. We just go to the same places, like family history class.

Then it was time for Alex A's birthday party. Alcohol-removed wine and cake. We are so posh. I even swirled my wine in it's fancy glass. I sipped and commented on it's woodsy complex flavor. It was from 2012. Good year, good year... We lit all the candles and started singing and Alex yelled "Wait! I forgot my crown!" She ran upstairs and got her crown. Alex is really into comics. Which is way cool. Jessica was there. Jessica is always fun. And I met some of Alex's friends. I felt pretty cool being invited to this party in the first place. It was exclusive.

I got home about midnight. I made myself an egg. yum.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Journal 13-June-2012 part 2

My child has some building blocks. He made a tower out of them. I had 1 adventure in that tower. And I swallowed a string of pears. How valuable. I felt bad. In my belly the pearls multiplied.

The man with the shears came back, walked up to me. Stark naked. He looked at his collection of books. The pages weren't cut. An owl cried in the nighttime. I began to cry. The pearls came out my eyes. Tiny tiny pearls fell onto the floor. I couldn't stop crying. The man watched. He wanted those pearls.

I panicked. My tears stopped and I darted for the stage. My entrance was right on cue. The director was worried. The opera house was full of puppets. All the puppets were held by deaf dumb and blind middle-aged men & women. The puppets had their eyes glued on me. A violin was thrown at me from the back of the hall. I caught it and began to play. The tune came straight from my heart. My mouth was open and cakes and pastries were shoved down it. I became full. And tired. But I did not stop playing. My audience was filled with joy. I was nearly to the end of the second act when I noticed strings wrapped around my fingers. Which on the other end was tied to the chandelier. Cascading from the chandelier were more strings which proceeded through the nostrils and into the brain of the deaf dumb and blind men & women. I was controlling my audience. But through their eyes came tears.

My fingers were flying up and down the violin. Out of tune and overly simplistic. The deaf dumb and blind people threw their puppets onto the floor and tore their hair out and screamed. A mass hysteria broke out. The ran about. Groping for the exits. An angel appeared to me. He had 4 wings. He took my violin and lovingly put it into storage.

I leapt off the stage. My arms legs and torso beautifully arranged. It was my split second of pure art. The moans of my audience drowned out the call of the curtain. Nobody was happy. I wanted to return to my valley. I didn't know it, but all vegetation and animal life burned down to the ground. Leaving only dust and ashes. The sun was about to set. In my pocket I found the poem. It was a great poem. Although to my skeptical mind it was only coordinates for seashells.
94,11. There is no point of reference. The beeps and whistles and honks from the dial-up computer. The scratching at the coffin ceiling. The bells ringing for me and my gal. The clicks and the magical words spoken by the tongues of the faeries. Sitting upon mushrooms pungent and mushy. Flower petals make their wings. They grant wishes. That's what they do. I have it on good solid testimony. The hysterical young lady caught in her own web of lies. I trust her. She's not the obvious choice. She flips around her wig and reveals my lovers face on the other side. She wears sunglasses but I can tell she's looking at me. Her elbows buckle and thumbs pop off. The fingernails grow long and touch my face. Her waist is a hinge. It's usually hidden by a blouse. Her legs turn around. Her breasts are still on her back. That's all the jury can see of her. Her only distinguishing mark. 36D.

In this quiet solemn but extremely hot chamber. The red eyed rats fill the chairs, benches, corners & nooks. They swarm and collect into a large pile. Then they stop moving and turn grey. To stone. An ugly mess - this stone sculpture. On top is the microphone. Perhaps one of the rats wanted to make a speech.

Everyone else in the courtroom turned to stone as well. I guess they were bored. It's just my lover and I. I sew on her thumbs. She is grateful. She playfully grabbed my nose. "Give me back my nose" I playfully replied. We ran out of the courthouse into the street. She jumps into a car knowing I'd follow. "I still have your nose" she calls. Of course I still had my nose and it was just a childish game. The car drives away. The driver was a ghost. I watch as it turns the corner. She'll be safe. And I'll be safe. We'll meet again in that valley. In the moonlight we'll kiss. The things I'm gonna do.

Journal 13-June-2012 part 1

Wednesday. Have you ever wanted to throw your roommate off a cliff? Enlighten me, I do not know what it feels like. The messenger gives you the message before announcing who it's to. Then goes on his merry way. Sick. Vase holding the flowers. Every last one I've ever plucked. Mosquito. No, no. Let's go to Spain and Italy and Greece. I've never been but I hear it's pretty cool. Let's look into a spaceship. Bent on landing on the moon. Stop there. Limit yourself. You're only a hairless popsicle. That's all you are. The fat man. Well, he's not that fat, but he's no Baywatch actor either. He comes out from his room without a shirt. He was just sleeping. He drinks the water from his hose that's found in the hallway. My feet are getting wet. Water gets everywhere. He says nothing to me. I say nothing to him. That's all. Maybe he's a veteran maybe he's a great artist. Maybe everything he's ever done was vulgar, indecent and mediocre. Picture frames, empty. The dancers leapt away from their canvas. I did not see them leap. That's the conclusion I jumped to. Dancers always leap you see. If they cease to leap about with legs arms and torso placed just so, just right, beautifully, they cease to be dancers. They were NEVER dancers. Because we are all confined to your own past. It never is forgotten. It's haunting. No. When I start in with the mundane activities. The walking, the pulp readings, the endless entertainment. And the commercials. I forget who I am then too. I go for the gold. But I forget about the flowers, bright red and orange beauties. Covering fields. Upside down blue. My lover flies and skips about in this perfect landscape. Defiling it. The frogs and crickets are crushed beneath her feet. Her long hair gets tangled with some bushes. She let's out a cry. I do nothing. As I try to begin to speak the spiders and lizards sew my lips shut. The needles going through my lips, scraping my teeth, stabbing my gums. It's painful, so painful

The shirtless man returns. Snuck up behind me as I watch my lover being pulled down by her own hair. By her own guilt. He has shears. Half my hair is cut. Then he proceeds to cut the wire that keeps my lips together. I am free to speak. But still I say nothing. He has aged since I saw him last. "Do you have nay questions for me" he asks. I sit in the chair the chair joins in line with the others. All exactly the same. I always want you to come over. The ceiling moves. It's covered in mist. The mist beguiles me. And I fail to see the keys. Those keys I need. The catalyst and the scapegoat. I need. I desire. I long for. No more. I am content.

... 5 mountains surround my valley. I watered every flower and I burned every weed. I burned the cabin down I covered my forehead and eyelids with the ash. It was an accident. I thrived in it. That frightening fire. Flames 20 feet high. If you looked up and if you used your imagination, the fire appeared to heat up the moon. It glowed with heat. And the shooting stars that ran into it burned too. I could not handle what I had done. So I ran away. I slept in the subway station. The rooster smoking a candy cane came up to me. I gave him bread. He gave me water. He sang praises to God for this happy feast and our new friendship. I ate his sister. He had lots of sisters. How humble was my situation. Barefoot and drunk. I stumbled about and feelings were lost. They took the form of rats. Red eyes scurrying about. Afraid of homosapiens. They found their way deeper into the caverns. Crystals purple and white, lined the path to the God of the Underground. He was sitting on a chair on a table on top of some bricks. Underneath the bricks stretched out the iron floor mat. Each step clanged and echoed throughout the hallways. The dark muddy corridors. Lit by fireflies. Battery powered insects. You could plug them into God's power plant and watch them burst from too much electricity.

The ladder takes you up to the outside. It's a very very very long ladder. I don't know this. I heard it from my lover. She heard it from her father who saw it in a dream. Before telling his wishes. He blindfolded her and made her stand on the high dive. All the teenage lifeguards were watching so she was totally safe. The pool was filled with salted water and blood. The corrupt governor walked by. Followed by the maid with the bucket of milk. She had milked the cow that morning. As every morning. The sun would rise. The beast with twelve legs darted through the woods. The cow didn't mind. But proceeded to graze.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


Last night I went out with Sarah. Which is so funny because I had a crush on her like 8 years ago but never talked to her. We were on the same orchestra for like 2 months. Well, she's awesome. It was the first time I've hung out with her, I got her number from a friend and just asked her on a date. I gave her the option of sushi or Mexican. She chose Mexican. I'm kinda glad, We went to La Indita, a place on 4th ave I've been meaning to try. It was pretty good. I don't know if it was the best Mexican food in Tucson, but definitely worth trying.

We mostly talked about music, but we did talk about homosexuality too. She and I share some views concerning that. Which is super cool. Bringing up homosexuality is always a little scary, because there's still tons of people out there who aren't mature enough to talk about it. I try to be mature about it, and for the most part I have liberal opinions about it. I'll go into that in more detail with another blog post.

Sarah offered to pay half for dinner. I said "no, because I adhere to traditional gender roles" haha.

I could've hung out with her more, and wished dinner didn't end so soon. Church was having a "date auction" which sounded like so much fun and I wanted to go. Sarah didn't. So we parted ways pretty early in the evening. We will go out more though!

The date auction goes like this, everyone writes a blind date that they're willing to throw on a card. Most people put "will treat you to dinner and games" or "mini golf." But one person put "go to art museum." I would've bid on that one, but it was for a guy and that was against the rules haha. We didn't bid with real money, we were given about 50 pieces of candy to use instead.

I offered to take a girl to the El Ten Eleven concert at Club Congress this Saturday. A girl I didn't know won that, Amanda. I'm excited to get to know her.

I lost the bid for this arcade game date. So I bid all my money on this at-the-same-time no-points mini-golf thing like (basically acting crazy in public places) It turns out that it was Greer's date and that is totally awesome. Greer's awesome. I won two other dates by some miracle. The whole thing was super fun. We all had a great time.

What made it good was we bid on the date and not the person. You wrote your date idea and if it sounded like a fun date you bid on it. It didn't say who with until after the whole auction was over.

Then it was time for ultimate frisbee. I don't play games that are athletic so I just hung out. These two people came and joined us and they had no idea who any of us were. They were super friendly and wanted to play soccer. I added the guy on facebook so I could remind him of soccer on Thursday. The Institute of religion always has stuff going on, it's great. Ultimate Frisbee Monday night, Volleyball Tuesday, Family History Wednesday, Soccer Thursday, Fun activities Friday. So you never run out of churchy stuff to do. It's great. I participate a lot and make lots of friends!

I hung out with Danielle M at ultimate for a while she's super cool. Then she went and played ultimate. So I hung out with Genevieve, until somebody called us to the field and wouldn't take no for an answer. But I only touched the frisbee once for the whole hour we played. haha.
My favorite part was hugging all the super sweaty people afterward.

Fila Sin Fin by Juan Genoves

Monday, July 14, 2014

Turn, slow. Reflections. One Moment.

Yesterday I really got dressed for church. I got so many compliments on my outfit. It made me feel good, because some of the people who said I looked good were people I thought were too cool to talk to me. One girl, Nicole, asked me if I was feeling better, because she remembered last week I was in a bad mood. It's so nice when people notice you, and care about you. Let's hope I can be that way for other people.

I wore a 3 piece grey suit with a funny story behind it. On my mission we had an investigator, Laura, and she had this suit. It belonged to her boyfriend who was exactly my size. The boyfriend went to jail and Laura was done holding on to his things so I inherited it. At some point they broke up, not sure if it was before or after jail. Oh well, I don't exactly care. I look really good in that suit. My sister Christy couldn't get over how handsome I looked. Haha. She and I hugged. I love my sister!

There's those moments where you get really sad and there's no real reason for it. It's just bad vibes and you get sad. Well, happy people get sad sometimes. I was hanging out with Jessica and Alex and Genevieve last night being all engaged in the conversation, but slowly I started to zone out. So slowly I didn't realize it was happening until everything was tuned out. It was weird.

At 10 o'clock I call my cousin Kristin just to say hi. She thought it was weird because I never call. We chatted for a few minutes. It was fun to talk to her. She's such a cool girl.

The greatest things sometimes come in the mail. My sister Leah sent me some cds! Including Leonard Cohen. Man alive I love Leonard Cohen now. I've been meaning to get some Cohen for a long time so it was basically a miracle. I just drive and listen to that modest guitar and those moody lyrics. Then too soon the cd is over so I let it repeat a few more times.

Here's a picture of Billie Holiday

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Letter. Pool.

I love my job, well, I love my coworkers. Two days ago, I wrote on my coworkers facebook saying happy birthday, and when I went to work yesterday she gave me a big hug! Love all around at the car wash.

Local bands are my favorite thing in the world. Last night I went by myself to see the Unday.
They've been playing around Tucson for a couple years but I've never managed to see them until last night. It was also their cd release party. Fun times. I ran into some people I knew and hung out with them. Erika, the concert master of my symphony was there and we talked. She's an awesome woman. And I knew the opening band, The Missing Parts. I've seen 'em before and they're amazing. The violinist in that band is a friend of mine. Everybody is my friend!

It was 2nd Saturdays. Which is a thing in Tucson, vendors and street musicians and lots of people all get together Downtown and its super fun. I was hoping to run into some friends. Eventually I met up with Ellie, Daniel and James at the Shanty. I've never been to the Shanty, but it was a pretty cool bar. I liked the artwork a lot in the bar. But you usually don't go to a bar to see artwork. You go to drink. But I don't drink, neither does Ellie or Daniel or James. We played pool and chatted and I love hanging out with Ellie, she has the greatest sense of humor. Daniel and James are also super cool. I'm a goofus when it comes to pool. But we had fun anyway.

I was hungry so I convinced us all to go to Lindy's on 4th (this was at about 11:30 pm.) Lindy's is famous for being the best burger in town. The problem is I'm vegetarian, I got a veggie burger, which was actually really good! Great food, great times. We talked about our bucket lists. I don't have an exciting one. I have a lot of violin and piano pieces I want to play before I die. Haha. A bucket list isn't something I think about a lot. It was good for me to think about it. I like it when others have different priorities than me.

The other day, I got a letter from Easton, one of my old missionary companions. There's that certain something about hand written letters that just feels good. I wrote him back today. It's like we're still best friends even though I haven't seen him in a while. And most likely will never see him again. I do miss him though. He's such a good guy. I was super lucky to have him as a companion.

I'm having so much fun everyday. Its crazy. I like it that way because it distracts me from the monotony of everyday. When you get into a monotonous routine it starts to make you feel like you're working way too hard for nothing in return. You may even start to feel like you're chipping away at a marble wall with a rubber mallet. Working so hard everyday and everyday is the same, you're not making any progress. You gotta break out of that sometimes, you gotta explore your community. You gotta high-five drunk strangers on 4th ave, you gotta listen to the freestyle rap under the bridge. You gotta think about old friends and write 'em letters.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Not throw

So cowboy boots were not meant to be danced in. But learning how to country swing dance was super fun. My favorite move was called "the pretzel." I've seen it done many times and have always had a secret wish to do it myself. It always looked too complicated though. Well, I accomplished a goal and learned it. And danced with many a girl last night.
I should mention that this was a young single adult activity at the institute of religion.
A whole bunch of people were gonna go to a country bar and show off our honky-tonk bodonk-a-donks, but last minute everybody decided it was bed time. Which was sad because I wore my boots. And Jessica wore her boots. And we wanted to go dancing.
So we went swimming. Except we didn't because the weather was too scary. So we played board games, except we didn't because we couldn't agree on a board game. So we went to in and out burger, except we didn't because they messed up our order. We decided to make a facebook event page and invite everyone to a party but then not throw the party.

I ended up hanging with Genevieve and KD and I love those girls. We had wonderful conversations about relationships and what to do when people are creepy. And then we talked about how men supposedly have deeper emotions than women. How men have more insecurities. What's great about KD and Genevieve is they're mature and can talk about boys without worrying about gender roles. Like grown-ups should. Some girls always worry about what a girl is supposed to say when talking about boys. Plus, KD and Genevieve are beautiful.

It was really nice talking about my relationship troubles and getting some womanly advice. I need to have deeper friendships with girls. I'll be working on that. I need to have deeper friendships with everyone really. I'm kinda a shallow guy. So I'm wondering if I really feel deeper emotions than women. I know when I play violin I think about technique a lot more than the emotional connotation behind it. I've been told I'm a hyper emotional guy. But the truth is I'm just really immature and irrational.

My legs are sore, but this is no time to rest. I'm going downtown tonight because Tucson is awesome. I have to take advantage of the night life while I can.

Music lately has been Pixies and Clever Girl. Clever Girl is amazing math rock that nobody knows about. I discovered them somehow on the internet. Super good. The album is called "No Drum and Bass in the Jazz Room" Look it up. And everybody knows Pixies.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Upon the evening of 10 July 2014

The story goes like this. I had the day off yesterday and my sister and her kids went to the movies in the morning. It was the stupidest movie ever. It was called smurfs 2 and the only thing that made it bearable was my niece and I had this whole making fun of it commentary going on throughout. And whenever some dancey hip hop was played for the soundtrack, we put on our sunglasses and danced in our chairs. I spilled my reese's pieces all over that theatre. Which was super sad. but totally funny. We snuck in the candy because we're misunderstood teenagers that have no healthy outlet for our angst.

I took a nap which is nice. Naps are sacred.

Then it was time for the piano recital. I'm the most uptight snob because I go to these things. Actually that was a lie. People who like classical music are really nice people. So one of my good friends, Shen, wanted to give one of the girls flowers but here's the funny part he was out of town. So I'm like. "Are these flowers because you have a crush on her or something?" I don't know the story. I got the pianist flowers. I was giving the flowers to her and was like "these are from Shen... he says hi"
I'm not even sure if he says hi.

The recital was AMAZING! Prokovfiev and Beethoven. Wowzers. Beautiful stuff. The last piece was like this hyper modern religious jazz thing that was out of place but I loved it. I think the Beethoven was my favorite. Beethoven wrote a ton of piano sonatas and they're all gorgeous.

I invited one of my friends, Misha, but he had walls that needed staring at. So I went by myself. I go to things by myself. I don't know how I feel about it. I like being with people. Lately I've been trying to be more okay by myself.

Because then I went to a movie party. I have this friend named Ellie. She's awesome. She has a movie party every Thursday. This weeks winner was "Boy" an indie movie from New Zealand. I loved it. It was really messed up because it was about these two boys who's father totally neglects them and the only way they bond is with drug dealing. But its a really good movie because the boys are so optimistic and make the whole situation into something magical. I really recommend it to anybody. Some parts were hard to watch because it has children drinking and smoking and discovering sex, also some foul language. But it was a good one.

I'm usually not into movies. I go because I like hanging out with those people. We chat and I like chatting. I like laughing with 'em all. It's nice, we're a whole bunch of good-natured Mormon kids. Ellie usually has pool parties on Saturdays but I can't go because I work on Saturday.

Then I go pick up Misha at 11 pm. I love Misha, he's so insightful and a really good friend and he's super chill. We always have meaningful conversations. Well. We wanted some Nico's Taco Shop and we pull out of his driveway and there's a hamster running all over the neighborhood. We jump out of the car, Misha gets a bucket and it crawls on my foot and I place it in the bucket. We knocked on one door, their lights were still on but they didn't answer the door. It would've been really funny though. 11 o'clock, two young adults knock on your door asking if you lost a hamster. Misha still has it. We named it Petunia Prettypants. Like what do we do? Call animal control or something?

I get home about 1:30 I love my life. Tonight I'm gonna go country dancing. Not sure what to expect. This morning I ate a pound of twizzlers. It was so delicious. But kind of sickening.